I didn't mean to sound like that...

I contracted a case of whiny bitch-itis yesterday, and I'm not proud of it.

As I may have stated before, I am not a strong runner. In fact, every time those fated letters, "R-U-N" rear their ugly heads on the whiteboard, I pretty much resign myself to the back-of-the-pack. Actually, let's be really honest - I prepare myself for a battle wherein I fight valiantly to not be last.

Does it matter if I'm last? No, not really? It's not like everyone waits by the door to point, laugh, and kick me in the ass. But it's part of that same competitive nature that has you checking the board when you get to the gym, curious how everyone did in the morning on the WOD (or how everyone in the classes after you fared on yesterday's WOD). It's hard to claim that times don't matter when we time everything in the first place, and then go the extra step and write it down. But anyways, times on running WODs matter to me just a little bit more, if only because my pride would love it if I wasn't always huffing and puffing my way in miles behind everyone else.

And based on this wonderous pride of mine, the bitchitis reared itself.

The WOD was similar to yesterday - we had one 800m run, two 400m runs, and four 250m runs. Rest 3min after the 800m, 2min after the 400s and 1min after the 250s. For added fun, we had to do five squats at 80-85% of our 5RM before every run.

I found my way to the back of the pack right off the bat as my squats in the first round were hella slow. But, by the end of the second 400m, I had actually caught up to a few people. This is where things went awry. Instead of taking the 2min rest, a few took 1min. And I got mad, because all of the sudden I was back in the back for a reason that had nothing to do with my running. And I bitched. And as it came out I felt stupid and wished that I could cram it back inside, but my word vomit was already splashed across my little space.

It's a good reminder that I need to be there for me, not anyone else. I need to focus on myself. There's a way to be competitive and want to be better and achieve more that doesn't result in coming off like a petulant child. I'd love to say that running brought out the worst in me, but I can't blame it on running. I bring out the worst in me when I do dumb shit, and that's really what it all comes down to.

Goals (Mostly) Accomplished

We're not quite at the end of June, but it's fast approaching. Also, I've achieved everything I'm going to achieve this month, so here we go:

GOALS FOR JUNE:
* 5 toes to bar
* 1 dead hang pull up
* 1 handstand push up
* 2x400m runs every time that I'm at SPARK
* Alternate dead hang practice and handstand work each time at SPARK
* Get back off the Diet Coke bandwagon (sadly...)

I can now do 5 toes-to-bar (and knees-to-elbows, which for some reason I find more difficult!). I successfully pulled off 2 (!!) dead hang pull ups yesterday, and one handstand push up (although it wasn't strict; I made my way down and kipped my way back up). Since I didn't specify how I achieved said HSPU, so I will declare that one a victory.

I fell off the 400m run bandwagon. This is probably a combination of the rain and my hatred of running. I really do need to get on this one, though. My hatred of running isn't making my running any stronger.

I've been doing well at alternating dead hang and handstand work, so that's been a victory.

And I'm off Diet Coke. And no longer feeling the ill effects of caffeine addiction/withdrawal. I'm trying to be pretty careful about what I do consume so that I don't end up accidentally throwing myself back off. I'm not missing Diet Coke as much as I'm conditioned to expect to drink it in certain situations (going out to eat, etc.). It's actually been pretty interesting to consider these habits more than anything else. I've been drinking a lot of carbonated water/seltzer water/mineral water, as I really do like bubbles and I've found this to be a more than adequate replacement.

I'm trying to decide what my goals are going to be for July. I'm off work for the entire month, so I definitely have a lot more time to play around with and I'm trying to decide what I want to do with that time. I know Becky and I had talked about maybe doing a powerlifting meet in August, and if that's the case, I may go heavy for the month. If we're not doing the PL meet, I might try to build a better cardio base in July. I wouldn't mind doing some cycling, and I guess I should, as mentioned, probably throw in some running *sigh*.

Speaking of running - tonight at SPARK is supposedly a running WOD. In fact, from what I understand, it's yesterday's workout, except with running instead of rowing. Yesterday was:
* 1000m row (rest 3min)
* 2 x 500m row (rest 2 min between each)
*4 x 250m row (rest 1 min between each)

I am absolutely DREADING this as a running WOD. I did quite well on it as a rowing WOD, but sadly my work on the erg does not translate in any way to running. :(

I Can't.

"How many times do I shut down opportunity by saying that I can’t, when that’s not really the true story? I’m thinking about how much more powerful it is to say what’s really true, whether that means saying “I don’t want to,” “I want to, but I need help thinking about how to make that happen,” or “I’ve made a different choice that works better for me.” There’s power in owning our choices, and that’s what I want to do more of."

(from: http://thefivetribe.com/?p=3249)

I always love it when something that I've been trying to articulate for myself comes up in someone else's writings.

I was thinking about this a lot on Sunday, in particular. I was at SPARK and the WOD had running (the bane of my existence). Three 800m runs, to be exact. From the second I looked at the board, I was filled with dread (this is not uncommon for me when I see "r-u-n" on that board).

I got through my first set of box jumps well enough (they were actually fast! I rebounded off the ground without stopping! I made progress!). My pull ups were...pull ups. Then the run. Oh, the run. I slogged away at round one. I wandered back into the box for round two of box jumps and pull ups. Then came run #2.

Somewhere around 400m, the excuses came to the forefront of my mind. I let the run get the better of me. "My calves are on fire" (they were). "Fuck am I tired today" (I was). "I feel like absolute shit" (this positive self talk was obviously helping with this one). "I should have eaten breakfast" (maybe). "I cannot finish this run".

And I walked.

It didn't make me feel better. It didn't magically make the WOD easier. What it did do, was make it easier for me to walk several more times. Once you've done it once, what's two times? Three?

I have never been a strong runner, but I have not walked during a WOD in what has to be two years. I didn't walk during Murph, for fuck's sake! What happened was I let my mind get the better of me. It wasn't a matter of I can't. It was a matter of, "you know what, I just don't want to right now. Maybe later."

I don't say this to beat myself up, but rather to recognize it. In recognizing it, I can acknowledge and deal with what's behind it. One of the things that I love about CrossFit and SPARK is that it's not just about working out for me; through the experiences garnered there, I learn so much more about myself. That run isn't the only time in my life that I've had that conversation with myself. How many times do you think it's happened at work? At home? With anything, really.

Thanks for calling me on my shit, 800m run. 'Til next we meet. I will be ready for you. I may not want to run you, but I can run you. And I will.

Burpees, I'm putting you on notice too.